A Horrible Person

This story I’m about to tell you happened a long, long time ago during senior year of high school. It is about tragedy and how I am a complete, unforgivable asshole. A local girl who was set to go to college the next semester had died that week, and a lot of the people at our school were very deeply affected by it. I personally never knew the girl, but everyone else that I knew did. She was texting while driving from her road that connected to the highway, didn’t stop at the stop sign, and pulled out right in front of an eighteen-wheeler. This made me realize just how fragile human life is. She just made one mistake and it was all over. Also at that time me and my friends were going through a really difficult section of Calculus, and we would get frequently get together for “Calculus parties”. These get-togethers would include most of the class, excluding the people that we didn’t like. We would actually do work about 50% of the time and goof off the other 50% percent. The weekend after the wreck we all had a Calculus party at my friend Jon’s house, who happened to live on the same road as the girl who died. During the early part of the Calculus party we were laughing and generally having a good time. From the level of comfort I felt around these people my social filter was completely off. A group of girls from class hadn’t showed up yet and had just called Jon asking for directions to his house. That’s when it happened. Out of my mouth came the words, “Just tell them to turn where the skid marks are.” As I was saying it my brain realized just how horrible of a joke I was telling. Time seemed to move in slow motion. My brain screamed, “STOP TALKING NOW! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?”. But I didn’t stop. No, I told the joke in its entirety. What was supposed to just stay a horrible thought in my head had come out and revealed itself to everyone. Dead silence. Every eye glaring at me. I break out into a cold sweat and am deeply ashamed of myself. Then, pandemonium breaks loose. “What the hell is wrong with you!” “ You are such a horrible person!” “Why would you say something like that!” A cacophony of justified insults fills the room. I wanted to slink away and crawl into a corner. I was dirt. The epitome of all assholeness was me. I still look back at that moment with great shame, and it helps confirm the feeling that at my core I might just be a horrible person.